Cheap flights!

Dean Farisian AvatarStowing away in the wheel well of an aircraft. We’re all keen on getting cheaper flights to anywhere, really, as long as it ain’t here. Sure, you may cream your pants over visiting wherever in the hell I am (and after a various plethora of varieties of drug-induced spasms, I can neither confirm nor deny any of your suggestions) however the grass is always greener on the other side. Why else would you decide to visit San Francisco instead of Pittsburgh? Winnipeg instead of Toronto? You’re all the same damned fools paying the same taxes to some nationalized world body that is supposed to represent your interests. Travelling in this regard is for the meek, the foolish, the confused.

Hey, we all travel for different reasons. I used to travel specifically for hookers and blow – before I discovered meth. Then I Ebay’ed all of my possessions to put together a decent lab so I didn’t have to deal with society anymore. But you know what? Some of those ingredients are hard to get. So you can either spend a few hours on the phone screaming at the Mexican on the other end, or just hop on a flight and get there yourself.

Naturally the problem is that once you’ve sold all of your possessions and don’t have a job, buying a full fare ticket on Americana Airlines is not nearly as simple as it seems. Yes, they give out credit cards to dogs and cats, but all of mine seem to have died while I was passed out on the barren mattress in a meth-induced bliss. So now I don’t have any alibis. What I need, then, is some sort of method to travel long distances in a short time.

Hence the invention of the aircraft. The problem is that you need to buy a ticket to get on one, or pilot one, and with all these shakes I get from withdrawal the latter is not really feasible. Ditto on the former. So we need to plan a methodology of boarding an aircraft whereby one can travel the same distance as the aeronautic device, but does not pay the actual currency required.

Hijacking is an option. This used to be wildly popular before those nine-eleven types fucked it all up. Now all of the passengers think you’re some sort of suicidal ideologue when in fact you’re just an apolitical whackjob fighting through your meth symptoms. It’s a predictable response, really, but does not benefit the general feel of those with their own personal labs for hotknifing the drug cocktails of their choice from the hardware store.

Thus, we need to get onto the aircraft the third world way. Those of you who have departed on a non-secured aircraft from an insecure location may recall seeing a few folks floating around the landing gear before takeoff, and of course as the plane was taking off, they all disappeared. You thought they went back inside to watch the football playoffs and bark dirka-dirkas to each other, panning “oh, how wonderful it would be to live in America” while fondling their goat and stroking their beards. In fact, some of these individuals probably took the hard way out.

Runway cleanup in the first world can be a nasty thing, and this is why many runways are built near the ocean: the bodies that fall out as the landing gear deploys and the dead guys land in the sea, and the poor frozen corpses can fall under someone else’s mandate as a refugee stowed away on a boat rather in the wheel well of an aircraft. Most of these guys do this sort of thing on the fly, after saying to their buddies “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if…” in their local pidgin-language and then just jumping on the Airbus underbody and doing it. And doin’ it, and doin’ it good. Until they freeze to death.

Preparation is key. Most of these goat herders never get down to the planning part, the nitty gritty, the flighty kitty where they study the aérodynamics of the aircraft in question and the temperatures involved. They’re cold – down to minus fifty celcius by some accounts. Bring a warm jacket. But also realize that when the gear deploys, you gotta hold on.

Thawing out is not nearly as much of a big deal as falling to your death. Once alive and on hallowed ground, emergency crews will use their foolish Hypocritic oath to protect you. You’re safe. The biggest problem is that holding onto the gear, and getting your hands into a position where they can freeze closed onto a part of the landing gear that won’t snap off, is important.

You may snap out of it once the aircraft lands, in which case, run for it. Answering to all of those suits with badges speaking funny languages can delay your mission for meth for hours, days, weeks, or even months. It’s unnecessary, and you can get on your way quickly enough once the plane lands. Disorientation is common, and your legs won’t work well thanks to being numb. The upside is that unionized ground staff won’t give a shit where you go, as long as it’s in the opposite direction of the airport. Aim for the flatlands – you’ll be closer to your goal, and further away from civilization. That’s where all of us addicts aim to be.

  2 comments for “Cheap flights!

  1. May 3, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Pure poetry! Great stuff Dean.

    It’s really great to have you back.

    Best,
    Stiv

  2. May 3, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    :shock:

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