A Treatise on Effective Looting

Ah, yes, questions of the ages come up in a time like this – second guessing, speculation, armchair warriors and their commandos commandeer their keyboards to new levels of pontification on “what could have been done”. I am here to tell you that, quite simply, Que Sera, Sera. The future’s not ours to see. Que Sera, Sera.

And yet there are things that could have been done better – you see, looting of a city can be done quite effectively and with great efficiency so that the looters pocket plenty of payola to help them in the ever-continuing quest to get filthy stinking rich. Or something. However so many of the looters seemed disheveled, disorganized, their choices arbitrary, the chaos of their situation overriding what should have been capitalizing on the chaos around them to maximize their potential for ascension up the social ladder. Of some sort.

Indeed, this is what I put forth to you today – a simple treatise on effective looting. There are many ways to do it, but only a few ways to do it well. Quite often we forget that during riots and general urban mayhem there is plenty of opportunity to loot, and yet who, in fact, takes the time to do it well? It’s all so messy – are you here to profit, or here to look like an idiot and get arrested later because you stupidly showed your face on camera?

So let’s start with a very simple rule – always go into these things with a disguise. Nothing too over the top, just a change of clothes(including a cap or hat of some sort) to conceal your true identity. You’ll toss this change of clothes later so make sure it’s something cheap and disposable. If you want to go all out with a fake beard, by all means do so – however your most essential goal is to make sure that you’re not easily visible. Ever seen those security camera videos? Blurry stuff. You don’t need the Mission Impossible makeup crew, you just need to look like someone other than who you normally look like.

Secondly, you should square up the joint at least a day or two beforehand. You’re an idiot if you plan on running into a Starbucks and haul out a box of cracked coffee mugs expecting to do anything with them – don’t waste your time. We’re looking for profits here, and you’re looking to find out which stores have what and where you can sell it.

You want to consider resale value, of course – in terms of pawn shops, in terms of transportability(okay, so you pulled out a dozen plasma televisions on a pickup truck, now everyone within five hundred miles is going to be looking out for hot TVs), in terms of Ebay, you need to know where to sell this stuff. Again, a large lack of planning makes many looters look like idiots. You’re the exception, since you’re reading this article – you want to make money, you’re here to play, you’re here to win. So let’s get started.

I highly recommend not being the one to initiate looting – again, blending in is a concern. Let someone else smash the windows, or even better let someone else put their head through windows to smash them and provide a little assistance if required; the golden rule is to not look like you’re the one initiating anything unsavoury or actually damaging anyone’s property. Strapped around your shoulder should be a massive fabric bag in which you will stuff things that you had already planned to loot – no mystery comparison shopping, make beelines for the jewelry counters and portable electronics section and/or anything else you have a line on selling. Think small stuff, high value, light, think about where you’re going to hide it for a little while. Because you can’t put this stuff on the street tomorrow – I recommend at least a week, preferably a month before you put up your Ebay ads for ‘cheap jewelry found by chance.’

Now one of the central problems with looting is general chaos; be quick on your feet, know where you’re going, and fend off your territory from other less prepared looters. Grab stuff with your weak hand and use your strong hand to smack anyone who gets near; but keep your focus. Beating up other looters will cut into your shopping time and I highly recommend only smacking them as much as you need to. You need tunnel vision here – there will be madness all around you, and you need to focus. This is key.

If the cops end up arriving, and quite often they will, run like Holy Hell. Sprint to the nearest dumpster, ditch your disguise, catch some public transit out of town and work your way back to your safe house. In a meandering way. Find your way away from the point of impact as soon as possible.

Chaos is your friend; use it to remain invisible. A lot more looting can take place than you can imagine, during protests and after sports games, after major disasters, hell even after some ethnic weddings if you can engineer it properly. You just need to play your cards right and do a little preparation. In no time you can be a master looter, and look down upon those poor morons foraging through the debris of a local Starbucks desperately searching for some stale biscotti they may be able to sell.

Don’t be one of them.